I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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