There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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