If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
