I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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