when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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