I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
