My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
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