he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
is wine microwaveable?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
