so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
