The best revenge is premature balding
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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