shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
