I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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