Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
