Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
