I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
