i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
