I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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