don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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