john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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