I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
