Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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