If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
