Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
