some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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