i already hear my dad disowning me
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
