i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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