I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
