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my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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