how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
