You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
