I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
bring money and cleavage
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
you made out with another girl for some wings
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
