I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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