I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
