I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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