ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
