i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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