Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
