Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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