when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
where are my eyebrows?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
