Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
