I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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