you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
