Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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