Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
