He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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