You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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