U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
