Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
