when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
