Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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