i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
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The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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