He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
