So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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