Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
