i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
