I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She's like a pop up book from hell.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
