Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
