I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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