I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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